Sink or Swim

So this Friday has got me thinking about becoming Drum Captain my senior year of high school.  It was blatantly obvious I did not have the technique or skill set that could land me a spot in Drum Corps International or a Class One rating at State UIL, or even qualify for State UIL.  However, the director saw something in me and I, a 4’11” asian girl, made Drum Captain over a team of about thirteen or more guys. 

I figured I was made Captain to be a leader, not to impose the fundamentals and rudiments that my predecessors have taught me in the prior two years in the drumline— because we all knew that we had sophomores that would beat me in any competition.  But when my director called me in to his office to discuss my team, he said,

“When I made you Captain, I thought you would either sink or swim.  I guess you’re swimming now.”

And this offended me.  Why would you appoint me Captain if you thought I’d sink?  Wouldn’t you want a foolproof leader that would carry the team regarding the circumstances?  Was I given this by process of elimination, and I was just next in line?

Looking back, I lacked the maturity to lead that team (but come on, we were in high school.  We all made the penis jokes).  But I did put my heart into it.  And with all my heart I loved my team like family.  I look back on those years and think, I could’ve been more dedicated, I could’ve spent more time doing XYZ, I could’ve created a legacy and done more given the position that was given to me.

Now, what caused this memory to come up today was my work situation.  Work has become 1/2 of my life now.  It is what I put the most energy into and what I spend the majority of my time doing, thinking about, etc.  No, I do not think it is sad, nor am I bored or apathetic because I actually like being here.  But by process of elimination, my predecessor’s position was terminated last September, which caused me to “step up to the plate” as my director says and take charge.  He has appointed me presiding supervisor, which at first was fun and joy.  Now it is becoming a headache, but a tolerable one.  This much was expected.  It’s all just one big psychology experiment.

My point is, I was given a role, and now I can’t help but feel a little disappointed in myself for not carpe diem-ing my position.  I can feel it in little things I hear people say, and how other people are starting to take credit for what I do right.  Today, his right hand admin tells him (in front of my face, mind you) that the team needs “A GOOD, STRONG LEADER” to lead them in the right direction and to stop all the bullshit that’s being thrown around.  What.  Am I not supervisor?  Is my boat sinking now, and have you just indadvertently thrown that idea in front of me?  Giving credit where credit is due, I thought I was driving this team into a good direction and given the shit that is on my plate, I thought I was doing it well.  Mmmm. 

I guess I feel like a fool in the way my director has attempted to “empower and enable” me (again, his words), a fool because I ate that shit up for breakfast and lunch with my morning k-cup coffee.  But I’m obviously not fit for this role— which is fine.  I can work on it.  I can be malleable and learn.  But there is a part of me that doesn’t want to— because of the immature high school bullshit that I have to address sometimes.  They are worse than my drumline boys— even the one that I punched in the balls for pretending to “T-Bag” me when I was resting on the floor after practice.

I dunno.  I still have much to learn about how to lead a team and put up with all the bullshit.  It’s all part of the learning experience.

But then I think about how it would feel to land a position that I ultimately deserve, something I have worked DAMN hard for with bootysweat and tears to fucking own that shit and call it mine, all mine.  This is what I will put my effort into rather than accepting what is given to me because it looks good on paper.

And yes, it is 6:06 p.m. on a Friday evening and I am still at work.  Writing.  ‘Cause frankly, I’m a little ticked off and I need to get this off my chest before I go enjoy my fabulous weekend that I have planned.  ‘Cause with writing I can make everything go away

just

like

that

  1. travels-with-charley said: I love the very end… “just like that”. It was just what I needed
  2. sarahdactyl posted this